July 9, 2006
John R. Nocero

I Hate the E?

On Monday night, my friend, who I haven’t talked to in about 6 months, like dude has never heard of e-mail or anything like that, calls not to check on my son or my new marriage, but the first question out of his mouth is “How did our world champ get arrested?” Instead of the same tired pot references I could’ve made (RVD’s main event push went up in smoke, he can only perform in front of 420 people at shows from now on), I mentioned that Rob Van Dam that bong hits hard, along with Sablunt, seem to have rolled up their copy of the WWE Wellness plan into their one-hitter and made a poor career move.

This witty banter went on for about another half-hour, my amazingly quick diatribe, his “but wait listen” as the jokes flew over his head like a polish Mensa meeting (what’s up with me on the polish this week? Did I have a bad sausage?) Anyway, before he hangs up, he proceeds to say “E-mail me” right after he says “Damn dude, you hate the E.”

This is where the water gets a bit murky. First off, I am as devoted to the E as they come and sometimes it’s hard being a wrestling fan, such as dropping $30 a pop on the latest Triple H shirt that you know you can only wear a handful of times each year. I wear that to my son’s soocer game and look like a moron. Their DVD programs in the WWE Legends series are top of the line (see Hart, Bret; Flair, Ric) and I buy as many as my income allow. Hell, if the old lady ever lets me get digital cable, I will be sure to find a WWE 24/7 service provider.

So after a phone conversation filled with bad jokes directed at Van Spliffinator, and other half-hearted attempts at booking, what the hell does the E do? Put out a Monday Night Raw that thoroughly entertained me. So the segment lasted a bit long, but tell me you didn’t laugh out loud when DX wrote “I love cocks” on the telestrator during Vince McMahon’s speech? There was no man ass this week, but rather I see Trish’s big melons bouncing to the ring, and Melina’s black panties that Johnny Nitro kept hiding like I hide my son’s birthday present, over and over and over again. I will admit some of the jokes in the show were childish, and even then I wouldn’t want children watching them, but when the wrestling is judged, (wait there was wrestling on a wrestling show?) the main event was stellar. I won’t soon forget it.

First off, I am almost sure Pot Van Dam’s arrest had something to do with the changing of the triple threat tag match into a triple threat title match (thanks Dr. Obvious). But look at the little things during the contest that should jump out at ya: initial introductions of the three participants, RVD, John Cena and Edge, that gave it the big-fight night in Vegas feel; a slow start to the match, so slow in fact that when you go back and watch the tape, the crowd has no fucking clue who to cheer for; then the slow build to the crescendo: Edge gets knocked out, Cena hits the F.U. on RVD and is about to go for the pin, when Edge, sneaking into the ring, like my ex-wife into my paycheck for more child support, and just waffles Cena with the title belt and gets the pin.

Post-match: Edge ignores Lita, knocked out from an F.U, to salivate over the strap; RVD on the outside of the ring, distraught; Cena looking like he is about to cry second week in a row against the turnbuckles; A second replay to know that we just witnessed something historic; and finally Edge licks the strap as we fade to black.

Perfectly done gentlemen. You have me wanting to tune in next week, and isn’t that what they were supposed to do? Just a prediction: Raw does a bigger number than the 3.6 it did this week. If it doesn’t, may my friend call back for some more teeth-pulling conversation.

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And btw, the NY Times confirmed this week that wrestling is more than just a fake sport. Yep, it’s a lifestyle, or so it says in the review of the WWE’s new lifestyle magazine that hits newsstands next Tuesday. I will do a full review next week. I am looking forward to Cena’s critique of his local Waffle House.

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