March 9, 2006
Matt Peddycord

WWE Armageddon 2005
December 18, 2005
Providence, RI
Dunkin Donuts Center

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz!

JBL (w/Jillian Hall) vs. Matt Hardy

JBL was main-eventing this show last year as the WWE Champion, now he’s opening it. JBL cuts a two-minute promo making fun of Matt Hardy for whining about Lita on the internet. He mentions about Matt Hardy’s t-shirt, “I Will Not Die” phrase really translates into “I Wish I Were Dead.” JBL brings the goods on the mic until Hardy’s theme music is played and he surprise attacks JBL from behind instead of coming down the entry way to start things off. They go out on the floor and Matt delivers a double-ax from the apron. JBL gets backed into the ring apron several times before getting rolled back in the ring. Hardy comes at JBL with a series of punches, but JBL retaliates with a knee to the gut. As JBL tries to toss Hardy over the top and out to the floor, he gets his neck caught up in the top and middle ring ropes. JBL stiffs the CRAP out of Hardy, delivering some hard punches and kicks to the head. JBL goes out to the floor and TURNS Hardy’s body around with his neck still stuck in between the ropes! Matt, go to TNA where you could be appreciated. Ref Nick Patrick finally gets Matt free, but he just falls out in front of JBL. JBL nails a short-arm clothesline and then Hardy takes several forearm shots to the kidneys. Back in, JBL knocks Hardy down and delivers elbow drop after elbow drop. JBL stays on Matt’s lower back before he comes back with a DDT for a near-fall! JBL doesn’t take that sitting down as he comes right back with a shoulder block. JBL keeps Matt down with running kicks to the face. JBL sends Matt into the corner where he keeps on the attack with more punches. JBL sets up Matt for a belly-to-back superplex, but Matt elbows JBL back down to the mat. Hardy nails a MOONSAULT press for a CLOSE near-fall! That just pisses JBL off, so he goes over and takes the turnbuckle pad off. Matt tries to stay on the offense with a few blows, but he gets whipped into the exposed turnbuckle. JBL follows in with a clothesline to set up the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL for the win. (6:45) I don’t understand their reason for squashing Matt so much and on such a regular basis. The crowd is clearly behind him. But that’s WWE for you. **

We see a clip from the previous Friday Night Smackdown where Batista & Rey beat MNM for the tag titles. Not before we saw a clip from Melina trying to sexually bribe Batista into blowing the match. He does her and then wins the match. HA!

Backstage, we see Psychosis and Super Crazy try and make the same deal with Melina that Batista got, but Melina thinks they’re both disgusting and runs off. They end up embracing anyways, so it’s safe to say they’re Mexi-GAY!

Hell in a Cell moment - King of the Ring 1998 - Taker tosses Mankind off the cell and through the announce table.

MNM (w/Melina) vs. Mexicools

Psychosis and Mercury kicks things off. They trade various wristlocks and headlocks until Psychosis goes down to a shoulder block. Mercury misses an elbow and then tags in Nitro. Nitro walks into armdrags from Psychosis and then tags back out to Mercury. Mercury changes his mind about getting in the ring with Psychosis, so he tags Nitro in. Psychosis reverses a whip into the corner, but then misses the charge. Mercury tags in and goes up top, but gets nailed in the gut on the way down. Psychosis sends Mercury sailing out of the ring with a spinning heel kick off the ropes. Nitro goes over to check on Mercury, which gives Psychosis the opportunity to hit a slingshot corkscrew plancha on MNM. Psychosis signals to Crazy and he goes for something big, but ref Charles Robinson stops him. As Robinson leans over the top rope to check on MNM, Super Crazy runs and lands a somersault plancha on MNM. Back in, Psychosis goes up top but gets crotched by Melina. Mercury tags in Nitro and delivers a neck snap, and Nitro follows up with a slingshot elbow drop for a near-fall. Psychosis fights back and what a pop! Sunset flip by Psychosis is proven irrelevant once Mercury gets the tag. Mercury hits a short-arm clothesline for a two. We go back to the MNM corner, but Psychosis fights out and delivers a headscissors-headlock takedown combo on both Nitro and Mercury. Psychosis attempts to crawl over for a tag, but Mercury cuts him off and tags in Nitro. Nitro hits a legdrop on his way in for two. Nitro slaps on the front headlock and you know what’s coming up next. Yes! You guessed it; the false face tag attempt by the Mexicools. Psychosis takes a back suplex for two. Psychosis fights up out of a neck vice and leaps for the tag, but gets caught by Nitro and sent back into the MNM corner. Tag is made to Mercury and he tries for the middle-rope elbow drop, but Psychosis gets his boot up. Mercury saw it coming and catches it and rolls Psychosis back onto his feet. Psychosis lands an enziquri and gets a HOT TAG to Super Crazy! Crazy takes out both MNM guys. Crazy ducks low on a whip, but never fear! He fights out of his predicament with an armdrag! Man, I wish real life was like that. Tornado DDT on Mercury gets two. Psychosis leaps off the top and nails a crossbody on both Nitro & Mercury. Psychosis rolls out to the floor and brings Nitro with him. Psychosis attempts a wheelbarrow bulldog, but Nitro counters it and slams face-first on the security wall! Super Crazy sets Mercury up for a MOONSAULT, but even with Melina’s interference, he hits the MOONSAULT on Mercury! Nitro is in and he breaks up the count at two. Crazy slips into a SNAPSHOT from MNM and Mercury covers for three! (8:56) Good match and what can I say, I like MNM. ***

Booker T (w/Sharmell & broom) vs. Chris Benoit - Match #4 in the best-of-seven series for the U.S. Title

Sharmell gets her own entrance theme and everything. Five bucks says Cole makes a witch and broom joke before the end of this match. Booker is up 3-0 on Benoit here. Cole says Benoit has to wrestle a perfect match here tonight. I disagree. Benoit has to win at ANY and ALL cost. Huge “Benoit” chants before they even lock up. They lock up with Benoit getting the advantage in the corner. The crowd continues something derogatory to Booker T, but I can’t quite make out what they’re saying exactly. Booker rolls out to get some support from his woman. Back in, Benoit ducks a hook kick and comes back with a series of blows. Booker rolls back out to the floor and Benoit taunts Booker to get back in with him. Booker takes a count and comes back in. They trade waistlocks and then Benoit goes to a front headlock. Booker counters out and goes a hammerlock-half nelson hold. Benoit fights up and tries for the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE, but Booker is in the ropes almost immediately. Booker rolls out once again to regroup. Back in, Benoit gets a leg whip and tries for the Sharpshooter, but Booker kicks him away. Benoit keeps working on the legs, however, by applying a standing leg lock and then an Indian deathlock. Booker rakes Benoit’s eyes to escape that. Booker punishes Benoit with a back elbow off the ropes. Cole mentions the Benoit/Booker best-of-seven series from WCW ’98, and how this one was SO much more important. You know, that series was filled with clean finishes and four-star matches every match. It was a huge highlight that made both men’s careers here in the US. Why denigrate the series and the TV belt just for the sake of sucking up to McMahon? Sorry, that comment pissed me off. Booker screws up a suplex, but recovers with a count of two near the ropes. Benoit gets kicked out onto the apron so Booker tries to suplex him back in. Benoit counters it and hits a German suplex for two! Benoit misses a running elbow drop and then gets dropped gut-first on the top rope. Booker knees Benoit off the apron out onto the floor and goes out after him. They trade chops out on the floor and once Booker realizes he can’t win that fight, he sends Benoit face-first into the ringpost. Back in, Booker hits a basement dropkick for two. Booker locks on an ab stretch, and after about ninety seconds, he hip-tosses out. Benoit goes for the rolling Germans, but Booker elbows out after one. Booker comes off the ropes, but Benoit kicks him in the gut and delivers a belly-to-belly suplex. He follows that up with THREE AMIGOS ala Eddie Guerrero. That gets a near-fall. NOW Benoit gets the rolling Germans! He signals that the end is near and goes up top, but Sharmell is there with the distraction long enough for Booker to get up and go after Benoit. Booker tries for a superplex, but Benoit counters that. He looked to be trying a German suplex out of that, but Booker didn’t fall with him like he was supposed to or something. Booker stays on the ropes and goes up top and hits a missile dropkick! That gets two! While Benoit is leaning against the ropes, Sharmell sneaks in a low blow behind the ref’s back. That leads straight into a SCISSORS KICK from Booker! He covers, but it just gets two. UHH OHH, there’s the witch/broom joke from Cole. Benoit is up and he is going for the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE, but Sharmell is there to help push the bottom rope into Booker’s reach. Three more Germans for Booker and we get a SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! COVER THAT MAN! He does, but it only gets TWO! Benoit tries for the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE again, but Booker rolls out and hits the referee. SHARPSHOOTER TO BOOKER! He’s tapping, but there’s no ref. Sharmell gets in the ring and hits Benoit in the back with the broom, but that just pisses him off. He lets go of the Sharpshooter and goes after Sharmell. He gets blindsided by Booker with a forearm shot to the back. BOOK END is countered into a DDT! CRIPPLER CROSSFACE IS LOCKED IN! BOOKER TAPS OUT! IT’S NOW 3 to 1! (20:11) Hey, it had its moments where it got a little sloppy. But you can’t deny it wasn’t fun stuff and a great match. The only thing that makes me kind of sad is how this best-of-seven series is nothing like the ’98 series. *** ½

Next up, we get a silly little skit with Nunzio and Vito as Santa and his elf alongside Teddy Long and that Palmer Canon guy. Guess who the elf is. Nunzio asks for a tag team title shot, or better yet, a Cruiserweight title shot. Canon says he has the perfect gift for Nunzio and Vito for Christmas. It’s Boogeyman. This is Wrestlecrap for sure. Boogeyman destroys Vito and Nunzio. Then he pulls worms out of the Santa sack and shoves them in Vito’s mouth.

Bobby Lashley vs. William Regal & Paul Burchill - Handicap Match

Lashley starts out with Burchill by simply using his power to his full advantage. Lashley gets shoved into the ropes near Regal, so he kicks Lashley in the back which creates the opening for the Brits. Lashley rolls out to the floor to try and escape, but Regal is right there to drive him spine-first into the post. Back in, Burchill hits a senton splash for a one count. Then Burchill goes to a half-nelson. Well, I don’t understand the psychology there at all. Lashley powers out and Regal tags in and goes right to pounding on the lower back. Regal delivers an exploder suplex and then tags in Burchill, who comes off the top rope with a knee drop into the lower back! Tag to Regal, but he tries something stupid in a double-underhook powerbomb and gets driven into the corner. Lashley gets a belly-to-belly throw right there for Burchill to tag back in. Lashley just brutalizes both guys and then hits a DOMINATOR on Burchill for the three-count. Lashley remains undefeated. (3:39) Why squash a fairly new and decent team in Regal and Burchill for this guy? ¾*

We now get to witness the former WWE referee Tim White “drunken suicide” skit. Tim White, who had to quit the WWE after the Judgment Day 2002 Hell in a Cell match with Jericho vs. HHH due to an injury, now apparently owns the Friendly Tap. Josh Matthews asks how the Hell in a Cell changed his life and then he goes and “blows his brains out” off-camera. How distasteful can you get? Afterwards, Tazz says “Irritable bowel syndrome. Is it really THAT bad?” HA.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Juventud vs. Kid Kash

Juvi and Kash trade shots from the get-go. Juvi gets a headscissors out of the corner, followed by a sloppy standing rana for two. Not that I could do better though. Juvi applies a Fuijwara armbar, but quickly fights up. Tazz mentions how much more intense Kash is now compared to his ECW days. Juvi dumps Kash out onto the floor and then takes Kash down with a pescado. We’ve got a “boring” chant already. Kash comes back and sends Juvi face-first into the ringpost. Back in, Kash begins to work on Juvi’s arm. Hammerlock slam gets two. Kash then goes to an armbar. Juvi “battles back” as Cole says, and reverses a whip into the corner and follows in with a clothesline. Juvi tries to elevate Kash over the top rope off a headscissors out of the corner, but Juvi uses his hurt shoulder and it doesn’t happen. Juvi has to bail, but he doesn’t get too far before Kash grabs another hammerlock slam for another two. Who does he think he is? Arn Anderson? Shoulderbreaker gets a pair of twos. Juvi eats boot off a whip reversal out of the corner and avoids a Kash moonsault. Kash lands on his feet and sets Juvi up for a cool-looking springboard-type moonsault, but Juvi gets his knees up. Juvi fights back with a whole BUNCH of chops and then catches Kash in the mouth with a back elbow. Juvi rolls out of a sunset flip and then kicks Kash in the face for two. “End this match” chants go up now. Juvi runs straight into a back elbow out of the corner. Kash goes up top and gets crotched for the SUPER FRANKENSTEINER! Juvi covers, but it only gets two! Juvi nails an enziquri for two. Juvi delivers a Northern Lights suplex and then floats over to try for the JUVI DRIVER, but Kash slides off his shoulders. Juvi counters the DEAD LEVEL and then hits the JUVI DRIVER! Juvi covers and gets only two. Juvi sets Kash up for a rolling legdrop off the top, but it misses! DEAD LEVEL from Kash wins it for his 1st ever WWE Cruiserweight title belt. (9:26) It really wasn’t that bad, Rhode Island. **

Kane & Big Show vs. Batista & Rey Mysterio - non-title match

Kane & Show are the tag champs from RAW and World Champ Batista & Mysterio are the tag champs from SD, but no titles are on the line. It’s really just meaningless inter-promotional stuff. Rey looks VERY odd here with his lips, his eye holes ALL painted white. He even has 619 painted on his chin. Of course, Tazz LOVES it. What makes this all the more meaningless is how Kane & Show are faces on Raw and here they have to wrestle like heels. Now I’ve seen all four of these men live, and you just don’t know how BIG Batista really is until you see him. But he actually looks SMALL compared to Big Show. Kind of cool if nothing else here is very good between the two. Show overpowers Batista by tossing him around in the collar-and-elbow tie up a few times. On the third try, Batista tries a go-behind waistlock and Show elbows out of it. Show no-sells a pair of clotheslines and then catches Batista off the ropes and sends him crashing into the corner. Show eats a boot out of the corner and then goes down to a shoulderblock. Show fights him off and GOOZLES Batista, but he elbows out. Batista tries to fight back, but falls down to a boot to the face. Tag to Kane, and Batista gives him a vertical suplex for two. Kane comes back with a side slam and goes up for the top-rope clothesline, but Batista slams him off. Tag to Rey, and he tries everything he can while Kane is down. Soon enough, Kane gets up and no-sells some kicks. Kane misses a charge in the corner and Rey follows in with a shoulderblock. Mysterio tries a 10-count punch, but that’s ridiculous. Kane shoves him off, but Rey tries it again anyway. Mysterio delivers all kinds of running moves, but nothing that will take Kane off his feet. Mysterio makes a mistake by trying a springboard move, but he gets caught by the throat and tossed into the corner. Kane eats a boot out of the corner and Rey sets up the 619, but Kane rolls out before Mysterio can come off the ropes. Batista goes out on the floor and sends Kane down with a clothesline while Mysterio dropkicks Show in the knee, taking him off the apron. Kane back in, and Rey tries for the 619 again, but Show grabs Rey’s ankle while coming off the ropes and then FLINGS Mysterio out onto the floor. Show picks up Rey and drives him spine-first into the ringpost. Show presses Mysterio back into the ring for Kane to punish him some more. Tag to Show, and he comes in for the SHH chop in the corner. Cole feeds us the “hand like a frying pan” garbage we get every time Show enters a Smackdown ring. Show taunts Batista while holding a lifeless Mexican in his hands. He SLAPS Rey down to the mat and then tags in Kane. Mysterio looks to make a brief comeback, but quickly gets caught in a goozle. Kane attempts the CHOKESLAM, but Rey counters it with a bulldog. Show cuts off the hot tag to Batista and then tries for the DOUBLE CHOKESLAM on Rey. Batista comes in and cleans house on the big boys. Batista clotheslines Show out to the floor and falls out with him. That leaves Rey and Kane! Rey hits the 619! Kane catches Rey off the sitted springboard senton and tosses him, but Rey lands on his feet. Rey turns back around into a Kane CHOKESLAM for the win. (8:39) That was actually more fun than it ever should have been. ** ½

Randy Orton (w/Bob Orton Jr.) vs. Undertaker - Hell in a Cell

This is the thirteenth Hell in a Cell and Taker has competed in seven of them with each one becoming worse every match. Before this match, Taker holds two wins, three losses, and one that ended in a no-decision. Before I go any further, I don’t believe that this match can become anymore cliché than it has at this point in WWE history. They were definitely going for the HBK cowardly heel/Taker scary man psychology feel here. I’m not going to go in detail PBP, but I will let you know what happened. I don’t feel that it’s necessary to go into detail mainly because this type of match has become so cliché. Orton tries to avoid any and all contact from Taker, but it just isn’t happening. Orton gets busted open with a chair shot early on. Orton gets his face ripped across the steel mesh. Bob Orton interferes and grabs Taker, but he ultimately gets his butt whipped THROUGH the cell. Orton gets in some offense including a TOMBSTONE on Taker for a near-fall. A table is set up in the ring where Taker gets splashed through it. Taker comes back and tries a CHOKESLAM, but Orton counters it to the RKO. The ref gets bumped and we get a new ref who leaves the door wide open upon entering for Cowboy Bob to get in and interfere once Taker gets the LAST RIDE and interrupts the near-fall. Taker nails Cowboy Bob and TOMBSTONES Randy for the win. (30:28) There you have it. A 30-minute waste of time match that really wasn’t that brutal to put the kids to bed for like the title of the match so aptly makes one assume it would be. I mean, it’s called HELL, people. Here’s to hoping this feud is OVER. **

Final Thoughts: The most offensive segment on the show wasn’t wrestling so I guess that’s good to hear. The wrestling was for the most part solid stuff, but nothing really stood out to wow me here either. I’m just going to go with thumbs dead in the middle for Armageddon 2005.

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