May 15, 2006
April 30, 2006
It’s Sunday night and I’m finally getting around to doing this show. After working, working out, watching “Strangers With Candy” season one, walking around Best Buy, and now Mother’s Day, I just haven’t had time to let the three or four of you who actually read my stuff to know just how I feel about Backlash. But here it is in its entirety.
Your hosts are JR & King! Somewhere I’m sure Joey Styles is SUPER jealous!
Chris Masters vs. Carlito
These two are nose-to-nose before the bell sounds to remind us that this is a HOT feud! Masters gets slapped, so he takes over to start. Lawler ~ “This might be the most interesting PPV I’ve been a part of, ever!” Ok, they’ve already BOUGHT the PPV King, you don’t have to lie. Carlito comes back with a low dropkick and a face slam for two. Masters returns with a nice back body drop for two. Carlito slips out of a press slam and applies the MASTER LOCK. Masters escapes fairly easily and then falls out to the floor. Carlito follows him out with a pescado. Back in, Masters regains control and punishes Carlito with a powerbomb into the corner! Masters gets a near-fall out of that. “Masters sucks!” chant. Bossman straddle and a standing legdrop by Masters gets two. Masters drags Carlito around the ring by his ‘fro before hooking on a chinlock. Carlito fights up, but goes down to a back elbow for two. Reverse neckbreaker by Masters gets two. Snake eyes in the corner sets up the MASTER LOCK, but Carlito counters it into a rollup for two. Carlito comes off the ropes with a springboard back elbow. He looked like he popped his neck on the impact or something. Carlito grabs his apple and distracts Masters with it by throwing it up in the air and taking Masters off his feet with a low dropkick. Carlito ON FIRE with clotheslines and dropkicks on Masters for two. Masters didn’t roll his shoulder at the two-count, so the crowd boos him for screwing up. Masters with a whip reversal into the corner allows him to come back. He sets Carlito up on the turnbuckle for a back superplex. Carlito elbows him off and hits a MOONSAULT PRESS on Masters for two! This is not Masters’ night. He falls all wrong and hardly catches Carlito at all. Masters tries for another MASTERLOCK, but Carlito rams him face-first into the corner. That sets up the BACKCRACKER for the win! Carlito had his feet on the ropes as well, but I’m not sure it was really necessary. Masters was DONE. (10:00) Carlito is on a roll. As long as he keeps it up, this guy is main-eventing Wrestlemania 24 or my name isn’t Brad Garrett. Nothing necessarily wrong with the match, it just didn’t seem like a good night for Masters as everything wasn’t executed as great as it could’ve been for a ten-minute match. **
In the back, Maria messes up and announces Masters as the winner of the last match. She may or may not have done that on purpose. They show a montage of the WWE asking a bunch of Kentuckians (?) about who they think is going to win the WWE title match tonight. Most everybody says Triple H, except some kid who says John Cena “because Edge and Triple H can’t see this.” How cute. They cut back to Maria who says that hardly anybody seems to think Edge will win the match tonight, when Lita stops by to pop Maria’s bra! Oh man. Lita says that she and Edge don’t care what “Roscoe P. Coltrane out in Lexington, Kentucky” thinks tonight. When Lita says she keeps her mouth shut, Maria makes a sexual innuendo to piss her off. ‘Cuz she’s a hoooooo. HOOOO! Lita continues by saying that when Edge wins, they’re going to have a private sex celebration. They’re just killin’ time.
Armandooooooo Alejandrooooooo Estraaaaada Ha Ha is out to introduce his man, Umaga. I like him. He’s funny, but not on purpose.
Umaga (w/Armando blah blah blah) vs. Ric Flair
This is all because Flair got OWNED by this guy on the post-Wrestlemania Raw. Looks like Flair is going to get owned again tonight, because Umaga is there to destroy him on the entrance ramp. I feel bad for Flair. Umaga comes at him with punches to start, but Flair comes back with chops-a-plenty. He even gets in a low blow in plain sight of the ref who didn’t see it! All it takes is one throat thrust by Umaga and Flair is on his back. Flair falls down in the corner, but rolls out to the floor to avoid the corner charge. Umaga comes out after him, but is met with more chops. Umaga nails Flair, but then runs into the ringpost. Back in, Flair goes to work on the knee. Umaga kicks out of the FIGURE-FOUR and then sets Flair up in the tree of woe. Umaga comes off the ropes and nails Flair with a flying headbutt. Flair slumps back down into the corner and gets nailed in the face with Umaga’s charging buttsplash. Umaga connects with another flying headbutt this time off the middle rope. THROAT SPIKE and it’s over for Flair. (3:29) Oh mah gah, not Umaga! Estrada celebrates with a foot-long cigar. He’s SO Cuban! Did somebody say squash? ½*
Shane stops by to see if Vince is ready while waiting for their match in his locker room. Vince continues on his trail of sacrilegiousness. Let me just say that Vince will literally do anything for attention. Shock value is good and all, but there’s a difference in shock value and being offensive. Personally, I consider myself to be a lenient Christian person. I don’t really get offended over people who just don’t know any better. I’m offended because it’s the WWE who is doing the mocking here. I can deal with people around me who may feel it’s necessary to mock God, not someone who’s supposed to entertain me. Maybe I’m just misreading wrestling fans these days as just mostly atheistic or just generally don’t care about God. Maybe I’m taking all this a little too serious, but it really is serious stuff. Another thing, has comedy got to such a low point that all the fresh jokes are God jokes? Doesn’t anyone fear God anymore? Doesn’t anybody care? So many questions, so little time.
WWE Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus
Both girls take a break from dressing up like each other and return to their “normal” selves. Trish gets a quick near-fall out of an arm wringer to start. She blows Mickie a kiss to get this thing really going. Trish MATRIX dodges a charge and flips backwards into a headscissors. Mickie ducks a CHICK KICK, but then gets popped in the face with a bicycle kick that sends her rolling out to the floor. Trish comes off the apron with a Louise Thesz Press complete with punches! Back in, Trish covers for two. Trish corner whips Mickie and follows in with a Stinger Splash. What a move-thief. Trish sets up for the ten-count corner punch, so Mickie dumps her out to the floor. This is the bump that dislocates Trish’s shoulder. Trish rolls around in pain while Mickie works the crowd. Just like Owen did at SummerSlam ’97! Austin remembers that event very well. Trish rolls back in, so Mickie covers her for a couple near-falls. Mickie chokes on Trish with something, but she doesn’t break by the five-count. Referee Jack Doan calls for the bell to give the DQ win to Trish. Mickie ~ “I still have my BELT!” (4:05) Poor Trish. They probably should’ve done the same for Austin instead of giving him the belt. Hindsight, 20/20, and all that. Obviously, the Trish injury hurt the match. Although it was decent for what it was, just not enough to get started. Of course, it couldn’t be helped. *
In the back, Maria corrects herself for saying that Masters won instead of Carlito. With that said, she brings Shawn Michaels in for a quick interview. Shawn says let’s call this what it is really is; a handicap match. He ends his interview by telling Vince he’s got two words for him. I’d love to talk to Shawn about this whole angle.
WWE IC Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. “Mr. Money In The Bank” Rob Van Dam – Winner Takes All
They go to the mat to start; ending with RVD getting slapped across the face. They trade wristlocks with Shelton using the top rope to flip out of the hold. Benjamin gets rolled up by RVD’s “educated feet” for a near-fall and then gets thrown around by some armdrags. RVD is so over here. An RVD spin kick sends Benjamin out to the floor. Back in, RVD puts Benjamin down with a dropkick and as he goes for Rolling Thunder, Shelton rolls out again for a breather. RVD decides to not grant him some time by nailing Shelton with a pescado. Benjamin being the first man in takes advantage by delivering a knee to RVD as he tries to re-enter the ring. Benjamin goes a step further and gives RVD a leaping sunset flip powerbomb on the floor! OH CRAP. Back in, Shelton covers for two. Benjamin starts to work on the neck and shoulders of RVD. He hooks on a chinlock with a well-placed knee directed at the shoulder blades. RVD fights up but gets yanked back down onto the mat. Shelton drapes RVD across the middle rope and connects with a running knee to the face from the apron for a near-fall. Shelton drops RVD with a backbreaker and returns to the chinlock. RVD reaches the ropes, but Shelton stays in control with some repeated body slams. RVD fights up again and gets caught in a position for the EXPLODER, but he elbows out before any damage can be done. RVD tries for Rolling Thunder again, but Shelton pops up and catches RVD for a Samoan drop. He covers, but it only gets two! Shelton sets RVD up on the top turnbuckle for a superplex, but RVD fights him off. Shelton wants that superplex, so he running vertical LEAPS onto the top rope and gives RVD a superplex anyway for a close near-fall! Shelton goes to a body scissors/chinlock combination hold. RVD fights back once again with some clotheslines and a side kick. RVD hits a spinning heel kick that sets up Rolling Thunder. This time, he hits it. RVD covers, but it gets only two. Split-legged moonsault gets another near-fall. RVD tries for the monkey flip out of the corner, but Shelton lands on his feet. RVD nails the step-over heel kick and goes up for the FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH. He leaps, but Shelton rolls out of the way. Shelton runs over to RVD and delivers a headstand-sell DDT for a near-fall. They go out to the floor where Shelton runs into the security wall. Benjamin begins to get desperate and goes over and grabs the briefcase. RVD slides out to the floor to get at him, but runs right into a side kick from Benjamin. Back in, Shelton goes up top for a crossbody block, but RVD rolls through for a near-fall. RVD ducks the dragon whip kick and hits a rana to take Benjamin down. Shelton grabs the briefcase that was on the apron, but turns around into a VAN-DAMINATOR! RVD goes up and delivers the FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH to win the IC title. (18:42) I wonder how long they’ll keep the belt on him consider he’s a shoe-in to be the next champion. At least, that’s how it looks right now. If every city they go to is this into Rob Van Dam, I don’t see why they wouldn’t give him a title run. This had too many chinlocks to be a classic. But overall, it was a very entertaining match. ***½
Kane vs. Big Show
Lillian Garcia is all scared to call out Kane. This whole “May 19th” thing is retarded, by the way. Maybe I’m just negative towards big men wrestling each other, but this just seems like a horrible idea to me. Big Show presses Kane for the first big move of the match. Big Show delivers some chops in the corner, but then runs into a boot. Kane goes after Show’s hurt eye, but Show is like, “Stop that! That could hurt!” Show starts punching Kane in the arm for trying to go after his eye. Kane comes back by running him into the ringpost. He begins to work on Show’s arm and then drops Show with a clothesline for two. Show tries to fight back with a slam, but hurts his arm by simply trying. Kane returns to boring the crap out of me by working on Show’s hurt arm some more. Show fights back, but Kane comes at him with a big boot. Kane goes up top for the clothesline, but Show catches him and delivers a fallaway slam. Show should do that more often. A running corner splash into Kane and a shoulderblock calls for the CHOKESLAM. He tries it, but his arm is too hurt to pull off the move. Lawler calls it like Kane countered it into a DDT, but I don’t see it. If that was a DDT, then I’m John Cena. Show comes back with a big boot and a running legdrop for two. Show catches Kane with a powerslam for another near-fall. They go after each other eyes for a bit. Kane boots Show out to the floor and goes out after him as everything goes red. “May 19th” is heard over the PA system and Kane goes crazy. The voices are driving him mad! I guess I’m crazy too because I too can hear the voices! Show puts Kane out of his misery by knocking him out with a steel chair. No contest. (9:14) I’ve seen worse matches that have gone longer than this, but I don’t want to think about them. CRAP
In Vince’s locker room, Candice stops by to have more fun at God’s expense. She complains to Vince she has a chest cold, so Vince touches her breasts and she acts all healed. I guess this is the “Blasphemous Era of the WWE.”
Vince & Shane McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels & “God” – No-DQ Handicap Match
“God” is introduced by a ray of light from the ceiling. Vince stops “God” half way down the entrance ramp and tells him to do his entrance the WWE way. Vince ~ “C’mon God, Get jiggy with it!” They change “God’s” entrance music to something with a little more pep to it. Once “God” gets in the ring, Vince tells the ref to go check Him out. Of course, the ref is confused/insulted by his insanity. Cue HBK’s music! If I was Shawn, I wouldn’t have done my normal entrance like he did. I would’ve been a little more pissed than usual and ran down to the ring and beat the crap out of these two idiots. Vince ~ “Before this match is over, you [HBK] and God are going straight to hell!” HBK beats down Vince in the corner. Because it’s no-DQ, he takes out Shane as well. Shawn brawls with both McMahons all the way to the side of the staging area. Shawn runs at Vince and gives him a crossbody block that sends them both off the stage and onto some production equipment! Once Shawn is up from that, Shane is there to nail him in the face with a chair. Michaels has been busted open from that. Shane beats on Shawn all the way back down to ringside while Vince recuperates from the fall. Shane misses a top-rope elbow drop, but comes back with a hurricane DDT. Vince is back, but why he’s standing on the apron waiting for a tag, I don’t know. Vince tags in and starts whipping on Shawn with his belt. Shane tosses a trash can in the ring which Vince uses to his benefit. Vince grabs a mic and trash talks God some more. Vince acts as though God is walking out on Shawn by saying he’s leaving up the rampway. Vince ~ “Ladies and gentlemen, God has left the building.” JR ~ “This is uncomfortable.” Vince tells Shawn that he’s going to knock his teeth down his throat, but Shawn blocks the kick. Right hands for Vince, followed by a flying forearm and a kip-up. Shane swings with a chair, but Shawn ducks and nails his daddy by accident. Shawn hits his usual stuff on Shane as he sets up for SWEET CHIN MUSIC. It connects, as well as a superkick for Vince. Instead of wisely covering somebody and ending this mess, Shawn sets up two tables side-by-side in the ring. He lays a McMahon on each table and puts the twenty-foot ladder into the ring. He climbs to the top of it, but this brings out the SPIRIT SQUAD! Shawn changes his plans for the McMahons and dives out onto them. He takes them all out, but he gets up once they do and gets overtaken by them. They put Shawn back in the ring and deliver HIGH SPIRITS to him through the table! Vince limps over and covers Shawn for the three-count. (20:00) This was no better than any other match from this feud. It had a few cool spots, but nothing to set the world on fire. This whole feud should’ve ended at WrestleMania. I mean, isn’t that kind of the point of WrestleMania? **
I guess Maria HATES John Cena too because Todd Grisham interviews the champ. He says he doesn’t care about all the haters. All he cares about is being announced as the champ at the end.
Evidently, we’ve got some time to kill before the main event because MATT STRIKER is in the ring with his chalkboard. He talks and I couldn’t care less. EUGENE comes out and writes “loves poop” underneath Striker’s name on his chalkboard. They chose a chalkboard over a whiteboard? In 2006? Wow. Anyways, Eugene picks his nose and makes Striker eat what he found up in there. STUNNER! We’re done.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge (w/Lita) vs. Triple H
Edge lets H & Cena fight it out to start, so he goes outside the ring and watches on with Lita. Cena hits a couple shoulder tackles, a release fisherman suplex and then goes for the cover. Edge breaks up the count! He rolls back out to the floor afterwards and tells Cena to go back to what he was doing. Triple H blocks a ten-count corner punch with a Flair-like atomic drop. Triple H hits the Harley Race high knee and covers Cena, but Edge pulls H off at two. Edge comes up on the apron to watch now. H and Cena eventually stop beating the crap out of each other and yank Edge in by his hair. They play ping-pong with Edge’s face for awhile and then dump him out to the floor. Then Cena & Triple H try to out-do each other by seeing who can slam Edge’s face into the announce table the hardest! Back in, H nails Cena from behind and dumps him! However, Edge is still able to pull H into the turnbuckle face-first to take control. Edge knocks H out onto the apron and then as he tries to suplex H back in the ring. Cena comes by and pulls H down face-first on the apron while giving Edge a hotshot at the same time. Cena goes up top and hits a splash for a near-fall. He hits the Protobomb on to set up the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. As Cena comes off the ropes, Lita pulls the top rope down which sends Cena falling out to the floor. With Edge still down in the ring, H comes by and sends Cena into the steel steps. H back in, hits a facebuster on Edge for two. H runs into a boot in the corner, but then catches Edge coming off the ropes for an Arn Anderson spinebuster for another near-fall. For all these moves, you got to give credit where credit is due. Edge slips out of a suplex and hits H with the Edge-o-Matic for two. H reverses a whip and hooks on the sleeper hold. Edge counters it into a sleeper of his own as Cena gets back in the ring and lifts them both up for the FU! Edge slips off his shoulders, which leaves Cena wide open for a SPEAR while giving H a Samoan drop as well! Edge and H roll out to the floor. I’m surprised Edge didn’t even try to cover Cena. Out on the floor, Edge catapults H into the ringpost for his PPV main-event forehead cuttery ritual. They go to the SAT, where Edge delivers an EDGECUTION on the table! This time, it doesn’t break! Edge goes to the top and nails Cena with a missile dropkick for a near-fall. Edge cross corner whips Cena and follows in with a SPEAR. Edge goes for the EDGECUTION, but Cena counters it into the STFU! Triple H is back up. He keeps Edge from reaching the ropes so he could nail Cena in the face with a mic! H nails Edge with a chairshot that sends him over the security wall! H returns to the ring and runs right into the STFU. H makes the ropes, which leaves Cena very frustrated. Cena sets up for the FU, but H slips out and tries for a PEDIGREE. Cena counters that into the STFU! Edge goes to the top, so Cena breaks the hold to go and nail on Edge. The ref gets bumped which is completely unnecessary in a no-DQ. Cena goes for the SUPER FU, but H is right behind them and electric chair drops them both! Edge rolls out to the floor, looking half dead. Lita is in the ring with a chair and runs right for H, but she goes down to a spinebuster. H acts like he’s going to hit somebody with the chair, but realizes his trusty sledgehammer would work better for him. As H waits for Cena to get up, Edge shoots in with a SPEAR! Now Edge has the sledgehammer, but he runs right into an FU! H is there stops Cena with a low-blow. Cena falls back against the ropes and dumps Edge out to the floor. H tries another PEDIGREE on Cena, but he counters it into a rollup for the three-count! (17:35) It’s not over yet. The King of Kings nails both guys with the sledgehammer, and then gives them crotch chops. HIT HIS MUSIC! This wasn’t as bad the second time around, but it’s still not MOTY quality stuff. They had some new spots for the triple-threat match, but nothing I haven’t been seeing on TNA for the past two years. It had a lot of drama, but with Cena still winning in the end, it left me disappointed. ***¾
Final Thoughts: Two out of seven matches being very good does not cut it for me. Of course, the Trish injury hurt things a lot. But that’s not something you can help. The show must go on! Anyways, Raw makes very little sense to me these days. Why do we have Umaga and why is he squashing Ric Flair? Why would RVD settle for the IC title when he can get a WWE/World title shot any time he wants? Why is DX coming back? Is there any tag teams on Raw besides the Spirit Squad? Why is John Cena still alive? I just don’t understand Raw, but not like Smackdown makes any more sense. At least they have Benoit and Angle. Oh and by the way, you can skip this show.