October 11, 2010
Austin Atwood

"HARDCORE TV"
Date: Tuesday, October 17, 1995 (taped: Saturday, October 7, 1995)
Location: ECW Arena (Philadelphia, PA)

Beulah opens the show by apologizing for the size of her "segment". To make up for it, we get a video package of her many exploits, most of which involve her standing around being incredibly, painfully, agonizingly, smokin' hot. There really are no words capable of describing what that woman does to me. Let's… let's just move on.

Opening montage.

Backstage Joey hypes tonight's Best of 3 Falls re-match between Rey Misterio, Jr. and Psicosis. By way of emphasis, it's the return of the ECW EXTREME ENCYCLOPEDIA! WOOHOO!!

R'ey Mis"ter'io Jr."-n.
Hoy, El Mejor Luchadors Del Mundo, Sensacional Veinte Anos de Edad, Fuera de Psicosis, No Tiene Igual.

Psi"co'sis."-n.
(El Atrevido Loco)
Un Competidor Peligroso Hara Tres Maniobras Para Efectuar Una, Porque La Suya Sirve Para Tres de Cualquier Otro.

I have no idea what either of those definitions are, but I thought I'd transcribe them for the benefit of my many Spanish-speaking readers. Assuming I *have* readers, Spanish-speaking or otherwise.

Time for another promo from the boys in tie-dye. "Dudley: It's Not Just A Name, It's A Way Of Life". Let's introduce the world to Buh Buh Ray! He stutters his way through his own name before lead brother Dudley Dudley takes over hosting duties to run through the details for the whole clan. He is of course the only "legitimate" Dudley, seeing as both his parents were Dudleys. Big Dick is apparently the result of Big Daddy Dudley mating with the Holland Tunnel. Okaythen. A trip to an insane asylum led to the birth of Sign Guy Dudley. As previously revealed, Dances With Dudley was sired during Big Daddy's trip to a Cheyenne Indian (sorry, "Native American") Reservation in Oklahoma. The key to Buh Buh Ray's conception apparently has something to do with the movie "Deliverance". I think that speaks for itself. And there's everything you really need to know about the Dudleys.

#BEST 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS#
PSICOSIS vs. REY MISTERIO, JR.

(referee: Jim Molineaux)

A very young and *very* svelte Joel Gertner takes over in order to do the ring introductions in Spanish. Kinda surreal seeing him in this role, given what he became. Rey charges to start and runs up the corner buckles into a backflip. Overtly choreographed sequence leads to Rey jumping off the apron with a crossbody that sends both men flipping ass-over-teakettle into the front row. Ugh. I hate lucha. Rey heads back in only to repeat the sequence with more of a pescado this time. Back in they go, both guys dragging ass, and another lame criss-cross leads to a Rey hurricanrana for… three?

First Fall Result: Rey Misterio, Jr. via pinfall (1:20).

Okay, seriously? Rey connected on THREE MOVES!! Admittedly two of them were outside the ring, but that in and of itself doesn't automatically translate into being extra-effective. There's no way he should have gotten a fall off of that nonsense. Did I mention I hate lucha? Enough bitching (for now), let's hit fall two. Rey plays to the crowd while Psicosis stumbles around selling like he's just been steamrolled by 911. After a commercial break Psicosis begins the second fall proper by launching himself at Rey in the corner, but Misterio casually steps out of the way and Psicosis just bounces off the buckles. He recovers instantly and they do another back-slapping criss-cross into a pretty (though convoluted) tilt-a-whirl into… nothing. Meant to be an armdrag I believe, but they kind of fell apart before it could be completed. Rey then improvises with a nice leg lariat. Up top he gets a flying headscissor that sends Psicosis skidding out of the ring. Another one off the apron and now Psicosis is splattered on the concrete. He gets up and jaws with the fans while Rey takes a breather on the inside. Crowd gets into things with a "MIS-TERI-O" chant. Back in Psicosis is down on one knee looking for a handshake. Rey falls for it like a rube and gets his head kicked in as a result. Irish whip on an arm-wringer by Psicosis which sends Rey flipping upside-down into the corner. He then scoops Rey up and drives him stomach first into the opposite buckle. With Misterio now hung up, Psicosis charges in with a shoulder to the back, causing Rey to fall to the mat. Psicosis starts playing to the crowd, as he's all full of piss and vinegar now. He does a running sit onto Rey in the corner (prototype for the Bronco Buster if you weeeel) then drills him all the way to China with a NASTY powerbomb. Arrogant cover only gets two though as Rey rolls the shoulder. Wicked spinebuster segues into a sharpshooter by Psicosis. Rey hangs on, so Psicosis eventually gives it up, allowing Rey to roll outside. Psicosis follows by whipping Rey into the barrier and then slamming a chair onto Rey's knee. He picks him up and drops him on the timekeeper's table before rolling him back in and hitting a slingshot legdrop. Cornerwhip, but the blind charge costs him as Rey moves and Psicosis drives his shoulder into the post. Rey gets another hurricanrana to regain control of the match, but his asai moonsault press is caught and turned into a tombstone piledriver by Psicosis for the UNO! DOS! TRES!

Second Fall Result: Psicosis (6:34).

Psicosis plays to the crowd during the rest-period, which is appropriate given that he did so after pretty much EVERY MOVE he hit. I'm all for interacting with the audience, but this is just overkill. Back from commercial we get replays of the finishing sequences from the first two falls. Third starts with Rey selling exhaustion on the outside, so Psicosis jumps out with him and slams him through a table. He then tosses Rey into the front and goes back in for an INSANE SUICIDA!! DAMN!! Okay, now THAT is when lucha is cool. He absolutely FLEW over the top rope and it was simply beautiful (not to mention crazy). Back in Rey is not looking good, but Psicosis blows his chance with a blind leap into the corner which Rey dodges, sending Psicosis bouncing off the corner post and falling outside. Rey keeps on it with a springboard front somersault press to the outside. Both guys are on the floor and just start ruthlessly kicking each other from their backs. Psicosis whips a chair at Rey looking like he's legit pissed over something. Rey, not one to take that, starts peppering Psicosis with chair tosses before wrapping the chair around Psicosis' head and neck and RAMMING him into the steel post. OUCH! And one more on the other corner! Back in Rey comes off the top with *another* hurricanrana, this one not hitting all that cleanly. ONE! TWO!! Nope, Psicosis kicks out. Tilt-o-whirl headscissors sends Psicosis out so Rey can hit another flip dive to the outside. It doesn't do much damage though as Psicosis gets up and starts running Rey into the railings all around ringside. Back to a fresh table where he drops Rey and smacks him with a chair before going up top. SENTON BOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!! This match is spot-tastic! Rey is a corpse at this point, so Psicosis rolls him, drills him with another wicked powerbomb, and then comes off the top with a twisting moonsault onto a chair (laid across Rey) for three!

Third Fall Result: Psicosis via pinfall (12:11).

So yes, that match was pretty much all the best of lucha (insane high-flying moves) coupled with the worst (contrived exchanges, no long-term selling). I am admittedly not a fan, mainly because as pretty as a lot of it is, I'd rather watch two guys locked in a struggle over a headlock, provided they make it look like they're actually struggling. Lucha is too cooperative for my tastes. This had some exciting spots, but there wasn't really any story and it just never came across as two men competing. If Rey hit one more hurricanrana and/or head-scissor I may have had to shoot my TV.

Lance Wright is backstage (and his horrific goatee is back) pimping the "Hardcore Phoneline" along with the latest juicy bit on Bill Watts being given his walking paper by the WWF. He closes with a Brother Love impression for no reason I can tell. Backstage Joey piles on by calling Watts a racist. What the hell was that all about? He then announces that the scheduled "Outdoor Match" between the Gangsta's and Public Enemy ended up not happening, which explains why I didn't recall ever hearing about it taking place. Instead, TPE won the tag titles in a Three-Way Dance. A little research tells me that Raven & Stevie Richards had won the titles from The Pitbulls earlier in the night and then turned around and lost them to TPE in a match with The Gangstas. And we're now going to air that match. Why the HELL did Joey just spoil the end if they're gonna air it? It's a lumberjack match with Tod Gordon and Bill Alfonso acting as refs. The two lumberjacks – and only two – are Big Dick Dudley and 911.

*ECW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP*
#LUMBERJACK MATCH#
RAVEN & STEVIE RICHARDS vs. THE PITBULLS (w/ Francine) ©

(referees: Bill Alfonso & Tod Gordon)

We're JIP to Pitbull #1 down-and-out while PB2 takes a DDT from Raven. Joey puts over that PB1 has torn tendons in his arm from an earlier attack as Damage Control stretchers him out with the match going on around him. CLIP. Big Dick works over PB2 on the outside with his crutch while Sign Guy Dudley scurries into the ring, apparently to get after Commissioner Gordon. Only he's met by 911 instead. No matter, he's got back-up, as Buh Buh Ray, D-Squared and the debuting Chubby Dudley all come to his rescue and beat down 911 in the corner. 911 of course overcomes the odds and starts chokeslamming Dudleys at will. Even big Buh Buh takes one. CLIP. Raven does a SPECTACULARLY OUT OF CONTROL PLANCHA onto PB2 who is on a table on the outside. He's K-K-K-KRAZEEE!!! The Pitbull has a nasty gash on the back of his head. Back inside Cactus Jack shows up to DDT PB2 on a chair and Raven gets the one, two, three (counted by Gordon) for a rather a anticlimactic victory.

Result: Raven & Stevie Richards via pinfall (2:37 shown).

Bill Alfonso takes the mic to announce the new champs and put the badmouth on Gordon. Tod just LEVELS Fonzie with a punch, but Stevie makes the save and we clip ahead to Fonzie stripping Gordon of his ref shirt and then busting him open with some weak punches. Tod's selling is straight out of a Three Stooges movie. All he needed was an "X" painted on his eyelids. I guess I can see why Joey spoiled the result. They didn't show anything worthwhile.

Backstage Joey hypes that the other title-switch will be shown next week, along with the reason why Sandman and Mikey Whipwreck will settle their differences in an upcoming Ladder Match for the ECW Heavyweight Title. Steve Austin will also be involved. Joey calls that the end of the show, but we then cut to footage of the audience waving along as TPE make their entrance and Joey gives them the verbal blowjob to end all verbal blowjobs. The Gangstas arrive to clean house soon after. New Jack's wearing an O.J. Simpson t-shirt, by the way. "TO BE CONTINUED…" we are told.

BUT WAIT! We're not done yet! It's Miserlou time! Sandman has words for Mikey Whipwreck, as he smokes and drinks his way through a promo along with Woman and a ladder. We also get the tail-end of Steve Austin's promo from last week. Joey hypes Konan's ECW debut (oh, joy). Taz gets put over by… LOU THESZ?! HOLY CRAP!! Dig Taz in the turtleneck! Bill Alfonso hates Tod Gordon. Tod Gordon (with the Tommy Dreamer Civil War Memorial Head Bandage) doesn't like Fonzie either. Fonzie screams so much that the ECW banner drops behind him. "I'm here… [drop] …until this sign falls down!" AWESOME!! Scorpio and Rocco Rock launch off the top of a cage through tables in the ring. Cactus Jack and his freshly scarred forehead declares himself the straw that stirs the ECW drink. He's also re-discovered his love of tag wrestling, putting over his title reign in WCW. He names drops a bunch of famous tag teams, ending of course, as you would, with the American Males. Tommy Dreamer closes by blowing his own head off.

Overview: What to say about this one? My thoughts on the lucha stuff should be pretty clear. It's entertaining, but ultimately unsatisfying for me. We didn't see enough of the tag match for it to carry much weight, although given that I've just about had my fill of the Pitbulls vs. Stevie & Raven, I can't say as though I'm bothered by that fact. The closing promos were pretty good, but being just highlights it's hard to get super jazzed. This one is pretty forgettable for me. You can find the Misterio-Psicosis match on the "Rise + Fall of ECW" DVD, by the way.

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