October 23, 2010
Austin Atwood

"HARDCORE TV"
Date: Tuesday, October 31, 1995 (taped: October 28, 1995)
Location: ECW Arena (Philadelphia, PA)

Beulah McGillicutty opens the show from a hotel room overlooking the city. She intros Steve Austin, who is seated at a desk with an awful black wig, black suit jacket, and his wrestling trunks. This would be the semi-famous "Monday NyQuil" spoof of Eric Bischoff and WCW Monday Nitro. "Where the big boys play with each other." He pops some balloons in place of pyro and talks to his co-host, no not Mongo, but Bongo. That would be a pair of bongo drums for those who haven't seen it. Tonight on NyQuil, the most dangerous match ever, Bottle of Geritol-on-a-Pole Match (I smell Russo). He just keeps pounding on the desk and pissing ALL OVER WCW. Bitter Austin is a sight to behold.

Opening montage.

Backstage Joey does the usual intro. He promises more hoodie training for Mikey, courtesy of the Public Enemy. He also hypes the upcoming ladder match, bragging about the fact that while the ladder is legal, the belt won't be hung above the ring, because "unlike other ladder matches", ECW makes you pin or submit your opponent "the way championships should be decided". It's nice in theory, but the fact that a ladder is LEGAL kind of eliminates any hope of tradition there, JoJo. He also starts the hype for November To Remember, coming up November 18th. The Tag Titles will be defended by the Public Enemy against Scorpio and The Sandman. Cactus Jack & Raven will face Tommy Dreamer and the returning Terry Funk.

Back to the NyQuil desk, where Steve Austin is sound asleep. He gets woken up by the camera guy and tries to hype the show some more but puts himself back to sleep.

DONN E. ALLEN & THE BROADSTREET BULLY vs. THE PITBULLS (w/ Francine)
(referee: Jim Molineaux)

The Pitbulls go right to work, pounding on the jobbers. The Bully eats a press slam, but then Pitbull 2 screws up a Cactus clothesline horribly, as HE goes flying over the top rope but he only grazes the Bully who winds up still in the ring. Moron. Allen eats a superbomb and your side order of squash is ready, sir.

Result: The Pitbulls via pinfall (0:30).

While the Pitbulls celebrate their hard fought victory (*cough*), Joey informs us that the "499" on the back of Donn E. Allen's trunks is in recognition of his moving up one slot in that year's PWI 500 from 500 to 499, which is just tremendous. Jason in his white pimp suit comes down to ringside. He was the Pitbulls original manager, so this may go somewhere. He admits he made a mistake in selling their contracts to Stevie Richards, so he offers to take them back to the top, so long as they "ditch that prostitute". The Pitbulls hold Francine back, so Jason takes the opportunity to superkick her. The Pitbulls, brain surgeons that they are, stand there like idiots for a few moments, THEN decide to kick Jason's ass. By this time the Eliminators are on the scene and a brawl erupts. Saturn goes to town on the Dogs of War with some chair shots. They hit Total Elimination (called "Hurricane Eliminator" by Joey; I guess it had a different name back then) on Pitbull 2. Rick Steiner and Taz come running down and it's Steinerlines for everybody! Rick DDT's Kronus onto his knee in a variant I don't recall ever seeing before. We take a commercial break and when we come back the Eliminators are charging back into the ring. More brawling ensues. Taz is useless thanks to his bum neck, so Rick takes a beating. Saturn throws a crossface chickenwing on Taz, which brings the Pitbulls back out for random brawling while Jason dry humps Taz in the corner. Saturn screws up a second rope moonsault, so he eats a suplex from PB2. He then gets a handspring elbow in the corner on Rick, but Kronus' attempt at a backflip into an elbow is caught by Rick and turned into a belly-to-back suplex. NICE dropkick by PB2 on Saturn, who then gets hoisted up onto Rick's shoulders and clotheslined off by PB2 coming off the top turnbuckle. That's enough for the Eliminators to tuck tail and run.

Extreme Encyclopedia time! This weeks' definitions…

Sand'man"-n.
(Smokus Brawlerous)
A cigarette smoking, cane swinging, beer drinking world champion with a propensity for violence; a fighter who has climbed the ladder to the top.

Wo'man"-n.
(Foxus Greedius)
An aberration of the classic American male fantasy of beauty and servitude; a seductive henchwench with appetite for money.

Mi'key" Whip'wre'ck"-n.
(Miraclous Underdogous)
A 19 year old messenger of improbable upsets, the former ECW TV & Tag Team Champion with Cactus, tries to use his 188 clean living, non smoking, drug & disease free pounds to beat the nicotine addicted Sandman.

As always, educational AND entertaining.

Dudley Boy promo is up next. As usual, Dudley Dudley does most of the talking. One of them is gonna be a guest ring announcer coming up at N2R. As you might guess, that honor is gonna go to newest Dudley, the stuttering Buh Buh Ray. Buh Buh does a little jig in celebration which morphs into a full on "bust a move" after some encouragement from Big Dick.

Backstage Joey gives Terry Funk a quick verbal blowjob, and announces Steve Austin's in-ring ECW debut for N2R. He then sends it off to the previously promised vignette with TPE and Mikey Whipwreck. They're in Central Park in NY (supposedly). It's pitch black. Rocco does his usual comedy routine and then runs off to get a surprise. With Grunge now in charge, Mikey's training turns into Johnny sending him up a ladder to retrieve a six-pack of beer (one at a time) which is hanging in a nearby tree. Johnny promptly chugs the beer. The height is making Mikey dizzy. The beer's having the same effect on Johnny. Rocco returns just in time to knock a drunken Grunge into the ladder, leaving Mikey suspended from the branch. Until he falls, of course. That might be the greatest vignette in wrestling history. Highest of comedy.

THE SANDMAN © (w/ Woman) vs. MIKEY WHIPWRECK
(referee: John Finnegan)

Sandman's elongated entrances really lose something with the loss of "Enter Sandman" and the addition of the generic WWE overdub music. Sandman sits on top of the ladder at center ring, smoking and drinking as he waits for Mikey to enter. Before they can finish the ring introductions, Steve Austin makes his way down. He climbs the ladder and cuts a promo on everybody (busting out "jabronies" long before The Rock came along). The short of it all: Mikey's a loser, Sandman's an out-of-shape bum, Woman's a $5 piece of ass. He makes a midget joke about Kevin Sullivan just for kicks, then heads out. Sandman attacks Mikey with a beer to start the match and Austin scoops up Woman over his shoulder and drags her to the back. Mikey bounces the ladder off of Sandman's face a few times and they're outside right away. Mikey gets a kneelift back inside, but he goes for that stupid "put my knee behind your head and do a backflip off of you for no apparent reason or benefit" move, allowing Sandman to just powerbomb him into the folded up ladder. No sympathy for you, Mikey. Sandman slips and almost falls off the apron trying to execute a slingshot senton, but manages to pull it off anyway, with Mikey sandwiched under the ladder. Mikey rolls outside for a breather, but he gets the ladder chucked down on his skull for his troubles. Hard whip into the rail follows. Sandman bridges the ladder across the apron and the ringside barrier, then front suplexes Mikey onto it. Guillotine legdrop off the apron also connects. Mikey reverses another whip and this time it's Sandman who eats guardrail. He also takes a couple of chairshots courtesy of the challenger. Sandman remains standing though, so Mikey hits him with a Frankenmikey off the apron. Some brawling and Mikey gets tossed into the crowd. They brawl right by the future Blue Meanie who was just a fan at this point. Sandman returns the see-saw ladder-to-the-face spot that Mikey got him with last time out. Back in the ring they go for more ladder violence. Mikey takes over, just DRILLING Sandman with the ladder. That shot was so nasty it deserves an Extreme Replay. Mikey gets a two-count somewhere in all the mess. He goes up top and SPLASHES the ladder which is laying on top of Sandman. ONE! TWO! THREE!!! WE HAVE A NEW WORLD CHAMPION!!

Result: Mikey Whipwreck via pinfall (6:54).

Joey blows a gasket ripping off the Al Michaels Miracle On Ice call. Cactus Jack comes out to celebrate with his former tag partner, but that draws out the babyface side of the locker room, who don't trust the anti-hardcore legend. The match was quick and not very interesting, but the ladder violence was quite nasty, so it wasn't ever boring. Leave it to ECW to book a World Title change in under 7 minutes.

Sandman gets a video package tribute to his title reign. Once again the WWE 24/7 machine rears it's ugly head as we get some song I've never heard of before instead of whatever it was they originally used. That's the biggest drawback of watching these shows in this format. Music was such a big part of ECW and it's getting white-washed by all the generic cover-over music instead. The video package is pretty extensive and includes all the key moments of Sandman's time as champ.

Overview: Mikey's World Title victory is obviously historic and pretty monumental. The match is no great shakes, but that hardly matters. The Monday NyQuil stuff was also historic and pretty funny. The show felt really short for some reason, but in retrospect the vignette with Grunge and Mikey was pretty lengthy, as was the final video package, so that might explain it. And that vignette was GOLD. So a fun show overall.

wordpress stats plugin