- For the 10th time, welcome to Millennium Man’s Coliseum Video Review. And luckily for all the elitist smarks out there, we’ve got 1990’s WWF’s Funniest Moments. This was actually released by Quality Video, but the video claims it was distributed by Coliseum; so we’ll give each company a point for effort. And now to the 30 minute spectacular.
- We begin with an introduction from the Official Coliseum Announce Team, Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes. They preview the segments while Mooney fools Hayes with the ol’ BANG gun, squirting pack of gum, and the timeless hand buzzer. And with that, away we go . . .
- We catch the end of an Intercontinental Title Match between The Honky Tonk Man w/ “Peggy Sue” vs. Brutus The Barber Beefcake from Boston Garden on May 7, 1988. We pick it up with Brutus’s comeback. Beefcake is a struttin’ and Honky’s a beggin’. Honky gets knocked to the parquet floor where the beating continues. Honky gets thrown back inside while “Peggy Sue” holds Beefcake back and gets him counted out. Postmatch, The Barber double noggin knocks “Sue” and HTM. Boy, if for no other reason to enjoy doing these old school CV reviews, it’s getting a chance to type “Double noggin knocker” into Microsoft Word. Anyways, “Peggy” is revealed to be Jimmy Hart and gets stripped down to HIS bra and panties. Well, Jimbo calls it a night and heads to the back while Beefcake parties around with a stolen I-C Belt. A rematch took place two months later that is on The Best of the WWF Volume 17 when Brutus brings his girlfriend, “Georgia” who mysteriously has a green tongue. Mmmmooooooovvvvving right along . . .
- We now get magically whisked away to the Arco Arena in Sacramento, California because on March 6th, 1990 Hillbilly Jim is on his way to the ring to do battle with Black Bart. However, and here’s the funny part, Jim starts square dancing with The Fink. Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! Jim even puts the lucky horseshoe and Hillbilly Hat on Finkel. Alfred Hayes compares him to a well dressed scarecrow. Well, I’ll continue, but to be honest, I don’t think it will get any better than that. Let’s see if we can keep the sarcasm rolling with the next segment.
- We join the Brother Love Show from November 24th, 1989. However, instead of Philadelphia’s #1, we get Rowdy Roddy Piper and a rope. He gives a horrible “I love you,” to everybody and we flashback to last week where Ravishing Rick Rude ambushed Piper with mouthwash to the eyes. Well, I’m sure some of it went in his mouth. Rude followed it up with a Rude Awakening and the obligatory attack with the podium to make the beatdown complete. Fast forward to the present day, referring to 11/24/89 and Piper doesn’t seem too pleased. Instead of soap on a rope, Piper claims he has dope on a rope. He takes the slack out of the rope, and out comes Brother Love in a giant diaper with his mouth taped shut. Piper rips the tape off and tosses a pacifier in Love’s mouth which causes good ol’ BL to head out. “Everybody’s got to pay the Piper . . . and I LOVE YOU!” from Piper closes this one out.
- Ultimate Warrior vs. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in a Weasel Suit Match from Wrestlefest 1988 (7/31/88) --- Heenan outsmarts himself by circling around the ring one too many times and finding himself on the wrong end of Warrior Rage! Back in the ring, Heenan eats some turnbuckles, but the wily Brain pokes Mr. C-Span in the throat with an international object four times before he drops it. Doh! Warrior fires it up and lets Heenan do three of those neat-O turnbuckle bumps of his before finishing him off with a sleeper!?! I don’t normally do this, but ****1/4! MOTY candidate behind the Beefcake/Honky classic we saw earlier. It takes Warrior a while, but he finally gets the suit on Heenan. The Brain finally wakes up after the Warrior leaves. Heenan starts checking out his claws and falls down chasing his own tail and trying to get that damn suit off. What a good sport! And it’s a good thing Warrior took off for the locker room because The Brain would of torn him up!
- We now take a night out with The Bushwhackers as we join Luke and Butch at a swanky restaurant. Of course, they start yelling at the cameras and order bloody luck or something. Who knows? Like them or not, this is probably the easiest money these guys ever made. We see them chow down in super fast motion set to super silly music. Obviously, they’re wearing their meals by the end. I should point out that I always get the Bushwhackers confused. To me, Butch looks more like a Luke and Luke looks more like a Butch. All segueing aside, let’s try to gut the rest of this tape out.
- Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. Genius from May 16th, 1989 from a SuperStars taping --- We’re JIP. The Genius is wearing a huge afro wig that resembles his look in mid 1985. This is a return match from Royal Rumble 1990 which obviously makes the date quite a bit off, unless they did the tapings WAY in advance. Beefcake rearranges the wig which blinds The Genius and sends him tumbling out of the ring. However, Brutus gets caught in a rundown. Nice standing dropkick by Poffo. Somersault flip causes the wig to fly off. The poor Genius gets distracted by this and runs into a match ending sleeper. Postmatch, The Barber puts the wig back on The Genius and starts cutting the hair off the wig. What a goof! He even puts some of it in The Genius’s tights. Man, it’s a good thing Eddie was The Hulkster’s buddy. Speaking of which, Hulk Hogan is still to come on this, the GREATEST WWF VIDEO FEATURING THE FUNNY MOMENTS OF THE SQUARED CIRCLE AMONG THOSe RELEASED BY BOTH QUALITY AND COLISEUM!!! But first . . .
- We visit The Bushwhackers in a lingerie shop shopping for their mother. I thought they were cousins. It’s pretty disturbing seeing The Bushwhackers displaying women’s underwear. Yelling and screaming ensues when an attractive model (after seeing The Bushwhackers, aren’t they all attractive?) displays some lingerie which reveals little more than her neck. Obviously, The Bushwhackers sell this like they’ve stumbled onto five porno channels in the 300s that they don’t want their mother to find out.
- And FINALLY we conclude with the Gene-O-Mania training with Hulk-A-Mania skits that are also included in about 25% of all Coliseum Videos ever made. Among them are Grand Slams, Best of WWF Volume One, Hulk Still Rules, ect. And yes, the homoerotic segment with Gene carrying Hulk up the steps are included, with Gene screaming “Ah Hulk, Ah Hulk!” the while time.
- AND we go back to Mooney and Hayes to wrap this baby up. Hayes gets his long awaited revenge by bopping Mooney with a powdered pillow. Eat those laughs up! We’re out.
- Final Thoughts --- Ouch, unless you can pick this up for $1.99 or less, don’t even bother. The Wrestlefest segment was alright since it’s rare and I don’t have Wrestlefest; the video or the arcade game. Plus, I’m a Lanny Poffo mark (who isn’t?), so as bad as the tape seemed, es todos buenos. Honestly, it’s no worse than 2002-2003 typical WWE television. As always, feedback is welcome. Thanks for reading!