April 13, 2013
Kevin Hensley

WWE Main Event
April 10, 2013 (Taped April 9, 2013)
Boston, MA at the TD Garden
Commentators: Michael Cole & John “Bradshaw” Layfield

It’s the first post-WrestleMania Main Event! What do they have in store?

-Main event open

-We go straight to ringside, and it’s time to get FUNKAY! Here comes Tons of Funk. And out after that, their partner, Kofi Kingston. Looks like six-man tag team action will kick things off, but who are they facing? OH SNAP, here comes The Shield! Through the crowd and into the ring, the two men who are going to start off, Dean Ambrose and Kofi Kingston, and…

[Commercial Break]

-Before we go back to the ring, we see still photos from WrestleMania 29.

-Hey, I think Scott Armstrong is going to ring the bell! That break before the bell rang was…odd. Here we go!

1. Tons of Funk & Kofi Kingston VS The Shield: Six-Man Tag Team Match
-Lots of action and frequent tags start us off, Kofi and Ambrose battle outside. Back in, Rollins tags in, but doesn’t get to work the smaller Kofi for long. HERE COMES THE FUNKASAURUS! Big splash in the corner on Rollins, then a tag to Tensai. Tensai drops Rollins in the other corner, charges with a ROLLING SENTON! That was impressive. Tensai wanted a Vader bomb, but The Shield pulls Seth to safety. After this, The Shield finally isolate Tensai in their corner. Roman Reigns tags in and locks in a reverse chinlock, and we go to break 4:21 into the match.

[Commercial Break]

-WE’RE BACK! The Shield continues to work over Tensai, making frequent tags, cutting the ring off, etc. Reigns gets in and headbutts Tensai down. Think of the irony THERE. Another chinlock from Roman to Tensai, Tensai fights back up but his comeback is quickly thwarted. Seth splashes Tensai in the corner, which couldn’t have hurt as much as when Brodus splashed him. I mean, look at the size difference! Tensai finally tags in Kofi, who is a HOUSE OF FIRE! Splash off the top gets 2. Kingston tries for the S.O.S., but Ambrose ducks out. A pier-six brawl breaks out, Seth fights off Brodus and pins Kingston. What action! Winners: The Shield in 7:54 (shown.) Lot of action crammed into eight minutes, good showing from all six men. We’ll go **/5.

-After the match, The Shield beats down the losers and lands the TRIPLE POWERBOMB on Tensai, then Brodus just to really show off. Nice way to continue and get The Shield over as DOMINANT.

-On Raw Monday night, Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter softens up Alberto, then DOLPH COMES DOWN AND CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK! About time, I say. This man has been patient, and it’s well deserved. I just hope the WWE takes notice of that pop he got, and don’t give up on him so quickly.

-Backstage, Matt Striker tries to welcome in Dolph, but Big E. shows up and OWNS Striker, saying he should interview him. Striker inquires about WrestleMania, and Langston rattles off clichés in a funny voice. This guy has a TON of charisma. He says he remembers losing, but is happy Ziggler cashed in Money in the Bank. Looks like Big E. is in action, NEXT!

-Ad for WrestleMania XXX airs. Yep, the hype machine has already started.

[Commercial Break]

-More still pictures from WrestleMania.

-Back to the ring, and here comes Big E. He has some SWELVTE solo music. I can only hope he asks for a five count. His opponent? Poor, poor Zack Ryder. This could be good if given the chance.

2. Big E. Langston VS Zack Ryder
-Big E. knocks Ryder down, and hammers on him in the corner. Ryder tries to fight back, and finally dodges but runs off the ropes into a belly to belly suplex. Langston charges in the corner, Ryder with boots to the face, second rope dropkick. Back up, Langston hits his finisher (still unnamed) and it’s over as quickly as it began. Winner: Big E. Langston in 1:15. Fast paced, but not given enough time to be much of anything. *.

-Langston stands tall after a replay of the finish, and then Cole & JBL throw to still photos of Triple-H/Lesnar II at WrestleMania. After this, they advertise Triple-H’s appearance on Smackdown! this Friday.

-NEXT! The WWE Universe is “buzzing” (see: not caring) about Ryback “turning” on John Cena on Raw Monday. Want to see it? Watch it next!

-Speaking of John Cena, he’s a part of ads for WWE Main Event on ION Television (during WWE Main Event on ION Television,) but he never shows up on here! Sheesh!

[Commercial Break]

-The Rock tore his abs at WrestleMania. That sounds super painful, but somewhere, John Morrison is actually worrying about the possibility of it now.

-Raw Rebound, recapping the Cena/Henry/Ryback action at the end of Raw.

-Off the Rebound, here comes “A Real American,” Jack Swagger, with Colter in tow. Swagger looks fired up, let’s see what he gets into. Zeb grabs the mic; I hope you’re on his side! Colter sucks up to Boston BRIEFLY, mentioning Bunker Hill and the Boston Tea Party. A poll of the crowd for “Real Americans” comes back low; Zeb drills them on playing hockey. Excellent point there. THAT’S NOT AMERICAN! Colter rips the name of the arena, specifically the “Garden” part, saying he can’t find the carrots or lettuce. HA! Zeb then turns the crowd on him for good by calling “Paul Revere” a traitor. I think Colter got that wrong, and with that, here comes Yoshi Tatsu. That doesn’t please Zeb as competition for Swag and Colter polls Tatsu on his name, which Yoshi complies with in English. Zeb questions the name “Yoshi,” then tells the crowd to QUIET DOWN BEFORE HE COMES OUT TO SLAP THEM! That’ll teach them. Next question: “Where are you from?” “Japan,” Tatsu answers. “What did you eat for lunch? DON’T TELL ME, YOU HAD RICE AND FISHHEADS.” Ouch. “Should’ve had hamburgers and hot dogs.” Hey, Zeb’s words, not mine. “AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH CHOPSTICKS,” Zeb says in his worst Jerry Seinfeld voice. “Did you drink sake?” Zeb backs off before he answers, saying he’s just trying to make a point. Colter extends a hand for Tatsu to shake, and…despite crowd involvement telling him NO! NO! NO! Yoshi obliges, and then Colter bows to honor Yoshi in a Japanese way. Tatsu ducks, which was STUPID, because Jack kicks him (duh!) the ref pulls him off, and here we go!

3. “A Real American” Jack Swagger VS Yoshi Tatsu
-Tatsu uses his speed to evade Swagger early, until he gets caught in a huge slam. Stomps follow, and then we go to break 54 seconds into the match.

[Commercial Break]


-Back to the match, Swagger is stretching out Yoshi. Tatsu fights out, then runs into a big boot. Colter and Swagger play to the crowd (WE…THE PEOPLE,) then Jack nails a suplex for 1, 2, no. Front facelock, Swagger then pounds him down to the mat. Another arm stretch submission from Jack, until Yoshi fights him off Tatsu with some kicks, charges in with a big boot, then lands a ROLLING SNAPMARE INTO A CHEST KICK. Elbow drop to follow for 1, 2, no. A ROLLING SNAPMARE. Nice. Tatsu up top, misses a spinning heel kick, Swagger lands his running Vader Bomb, then repeats. Jack stalks Yoshi, then lo9cks in the PATRIOT LOCK for the submission. Winner: Jack Swagger by Submission in 4:38. Good action here, but just a showcase for Swagger. */5.

-After a replay of the finish, Colter and Swagger stand tall in the ring as we sign off!

FINAL THOUGHTS: Decent little episode of Main Event. Three matches, used to showcase up and coming talent, we’ll go **/5

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