New Year’s Revolution 2006
January 8, 2006
Your hosts are Joey Styles & Coach
WWE Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair vs. Edge (w/Lita and the “Money in the Bank” briefcase)
Edge jumps Flair from behind to start this match off. Edge keeps on the offense until Flair comes back with chops. Flair goes out after Lita who really isn’t doing anything to make him mad, so Edge rolls out to the floor and baits Flair around the ring for a clothesline. Edge delivers a suplex out on the floor during a “Slut” chant. Of course, Styles brings up Flair’s broken back like its news to everyone. It happened over 30 years ago, Joey. We all get it. Edge brings Flair back in and then taunts the crowd. Edge continues dominating Flair without really doing anything of note. Edge slaps on a “modified dragon sleeper” as Styles calls it, and then goes into a chinlock. Edge takes Flair into the corner where Flair counters the ten-count punch into an inverted atomic drop. Edge comes back with a dropkick and then clotheslines Flair out to the floor. Edge comes running off the apron and gets chopped down in mid-air by Flair. Back in, Flair hits a rolling knee drop and then a WOO! Flair chops Edge down and then goes up top. Edge tries to slam him off, but Flair pokes him in the eye. Then, Lita comes on the apron and takes a thumb to the eye. Flair comes off the top with a single sledge on Edge for a near-fall. Flair sets up Edge for the FIGURE-FOUR, but Lita gets on the apron and distracts Flair. Edge gets dumped out onto the floor and Lita gets yanked into the ring. Flair puts her in the FIGURE-FOUR and then Edge sneaks in and nails Flair in the head with the briefcase for the DQ loss. (7:17) Flair blades and it’s nasty like usual. Edge keeps beating on Flair’s head with the briefcase. At the time, you’ve got to be thinking, “What kind of finish was THAT?” But now, it all makes perfect sense. * ½
Backstage, we go to Todd Grisham standing by with Kurt Angle and Daivari. Angle says a bunch of things just trying to get people to hate him like that he hopes the US loses the Iraq war, he’s not a big fan of “the black people”, and that he’d even make Jesus tap out. He’s PISSED OFF that people will still cheer him no matter what. It’s all because they know that he is the GREATEST wrestler in the world. I love PO’ed Kurt Angle! He’s so much fun!
WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James
I guess I hadn’t really thought about it, but Trish HAS been champion for an entire year now. Let’s go on record and call this the most anticipated WWE women’s title match in over ten years. Ha, Mickey Jay is the referee. Coincidence? Yeah, right. Trish shakes Mickie’s hand at the bell, and then pulls her towards her and says something to her. CRAZY! They lock-up and Trish gets a single-arm takedown and covers her for one. They lock up again and trade headlocks. HA, Mickie grabs Trish’s boob to get out of the hold! What a great counter! Then they trade hammerlocks and Mickie gets a rollup for two. Trish eats an elbow off a charge into the corner. Mickie tried for a headscissors takeover, but Trish drops Mickie on her head! Trish tries to recover the mistake with a rollup, but as Mickie kicks out, Trish falls out to the floor. Mickie holds the ropes for Trish to get back in. She’s her hero after all. Back in, Mickie takes Trish down with a shoulderblock, but then gets tripped up and falls on her face. They trade some STIFF blows, and then Trish whips Mickie into the corner. Trish charges and eats a boot while someone in the crowd yells, “GIVE HER A DONKEY PUNCH!” Entertainment personified. Mickie blocks the Stratusphere, so Trish blocks a tornado DDT. Trish then connects with a kick to the face! Mickie bails out to the floor where Trish tries to follow up with a sliding kick thru the ropes, but she falls flat on the floor. I never thought I would say this, but its nice having Coach announcing this match then it would if Lawler was ringside. I must be going insane. Mickie goes and grabs the Women’s belt and looks to nail Trish in the face with it. But then just like a woman, she changes her mind and tosses Trish back in the ring. Trish ducks a clothesline and gets a LOU THESZ PRESS complete with punches! Trish takes Mickie to the corner and delivers some CRAZY STIFF chops! I still love the licking before the chopping. It’s still hot. Trish takes a mule kick, but still gets the Stratusphere. Mickie falls victim to a spinebuster for a near-fall. Mickie’s trick knee acts up and she kicks Trish in the head as she goes to pick her up. Mickie hits the STRATUSFACTION, but it only gets two! Trish back up and she tries the STRATUSFACTION, but Mickie counters. Mickie tries the MICK KICK, but Trish ducks and nails the CHICK KICK for the win! (7:19) That was such a great, stiff match. We need more chicks like Mickie if WWE wants this division to come alive. If they keep doing matches like this one, I might just stop fast forwarding through the women’s matches on Raw. ***
Maria is in the back, interviewing herself before the first-ever bra & panties gauntlet match. She definitely has Matt potential. Gregory Helms shows up in the middle of one of her questions. He looks like a main-event indy heel to me.
We now see Shelton Benjamin and his momma in the back. She gets mad at him because he isn’t eating right. This “Momma” thing is even insulting to me and I hadn’t heard the song, “Laffy Taffy” until like, yesterday. I wonder how “the black people” feel about it.
Edge refuses to do Instant Access for WWE.com, so Lita fills in for him instead. He’s got bigger things on his mind, you whore!
Jerry Lawler vs. Gregory Helms
Helms tries to dominate Lawler, but every move ends with stalling. Lawler fights back with a hip toss and a pair of fist drops before taking a backdrop. Lawler punches away at Helms and then does the Hurricane pose to make the crowd laugh. That goofy King, he’s always being so silly. Helms gets dumped, but gets back in and takes over for a while. He’s not really doing anything worth noting until he hits a vertical suplex three times for only a near-fall. Helms goes to the chinlock, and then dumps him. Helms goes out of the ring and puts on the third headset and says some stuff like, “Joey who?” Joey gets NO respect. Back in, Helms delivers a missile dropkick for a near-fall. Lawler comes back with punches and tries for the PILEDRIVER, but that’s a no-no in the WWE. Helms backdrops out of it and goes up top. Lawler shoves him off at the legs and sends him crashing to the mat. Lawler comes off the middle-rope with a fist drop for the merciful three-count. (9:44) Will someone please explain to me what Lawler has to gain by going over someone with a FUTURE in 2006? ½*
In the WWE.com’s Instant Access area, Lita passes Trish on her way out. WrestleMania match maybe? Mickie James shows up right behind Trish and tells her how electrifying it was when their hot, sweaty bodies touched.
Shelton’s momma is all up in the catering section and doesn’t like what she’s found. She bends over to look for some soul food under the table (?!) as Viscera’s music and his lights hit like this happens everywhere he goes in life. He’s all about momma’s junk in the trunk. Momma don’t play that! She says Vis is going to get some action, but not from her. It’s coming from her son, Shelton Benjamin!
Big Show (w/WWE tag title belt) vs. Triple H
Triple H tries to avoid getting nailed with the cast at first, but Big Show doesn’t even use it to begin things. Show hits a headbutt and then the “Shh!” corner slap. Show gets a slam and then a pair of elbow drops until H bails. Show goes out after him, but then HHH goes right back in the ring. Back in, Show BLOCKS a whip and then sends H into the corner and out onto the floor, Harley Race-style. Show goes out after him, chops H and brings him back in the ring. Before Show can follow him in, HHH comes off the ropes and knees Show off the apron. HHH goes to the apron and tries to leap on Show, but he gets caught and then posted for his efforts. Show tries a right hook with the hand cast with HHH up against the ringpost. H evades the punch and BAM! Show rolls back in, screaming in pain. Now HHH tries his hardest to break that cast up. He slams it against the ringpost and it comes off. Triple H pounds away on the broken hand. Show tries to come back, but he gets dumped over the top rope and out to the floor! HHH slams Show’s hand on the steel steps and then goes back in the ring to taunt Show! Show back in, and his hand keeps on getting DOMINATED! HHH even gets an OVERHEAD wristlock on Show. I’ve never seen anyone do that to him! Show is able to toss him off though because he’s so manly and strong! The pain is just too much, so he rolls out to recuperate. H follows him out and does more work on Show’s hand. Back in, we get more of the overhead wristlock. Show powers out again and then nails HHH coming off the middle-rope with an elbow. Show comes back with a sideslam and then follows up with three corner splashes and a shoulderblock. He calls for the CHOKESLAM, goozles Triple H, but his hand hurts too much to lift him up. A wild swing by Show misses H and nails the ref. Show delivers a headbutt and sends H out to the floor to get a sledgehammer. Triple H tries to sneak in a hammer swing on Show, but he grabs it with his left hand and KARATE CHOPS the handle in half with his broken right hand! Is he stupid or what? H runs into a boot and then takes a headbutt and bails out to the floor. Triple H grabs a chair and attempts to nail Show, but he kicks him in the gut. Show sends HHH shoulder-first into the steel steps. Show tries to lift up the top half of the steps, but he can’t do it. H comes over and straight up kicks Show in the TESTICLES! Show goes down and drapes his broken hand over the bottom half of the steps so that H can nail it with a STEEL CHAIR! Show walks away and begs off at first, but then SURPRISE! Show charges at H to take him down. Back in, Show tries a CHOKESLAM with his left hand but H grabs a hold of the sledge hammer and POPS him in the face. Show only falls to his knees, but it’s enough to set up the PEDIGREE for the academic three-count. (16:12) Even with all the limitations, they were still able to tell a good story. ** ½
Carlito meets up with Masters in the back and they decide to form an alliance to take out everyone else in the Chamber match because they are the only guys in the match who haven’t won the WWE Championship.
That Royal Rumble ad is pathetic. It was like they tried to cram as many ancient Roman references as possible and it didn’t come across as funny or even clever. It was just more insanity from the McMahons.
Shelton Benjamin and his momma come down to the ring and Shelton announces that he wants an apology from Viscera for disrespecting his momma. Momma says no, child and tells Vis to come down and take a butt whooping for an impromptu match.
Shelton Benjamin (w/his momma) vs. Viscera
Momma is louder than the crowd. She HAS to be miked. She yells various things throughout the match that annoy me to death and ruin the match. As if Viscera being involved wasn’t enough reason to hate it. Viscera dominates early on with some power moves. He’s not really doing anything worth telling you about. Shelton mounts a come back out on the floor when his momma gets in between he and Vis. He comes at Vis with punches, but Viscera fights back. Back in, Shelton nails a sick knee lift to Viscera’s head. Shelton dropkicks Viscera’s knee and then goes up top and connects with a flying clothesline for a two count. Shelton keeps working on the hurt knee. Shelton then gets kicked out to the floor when he tries a figure-four. Back in, Viscera delivers a Samoan drop. Momma ~ “Shelton, get your behind up! I’ll get the belt!” Where’s a sniper when you need one? Viscera hits a big elbow drop for a near-fall. Vis follows up with a spinning Bossman slam and then proceeds to rob Shelton of his anal virginity by delivering the Visagra. I’m not making this up. Viscera sets up a splash, but there’s nobody home. Shelton chokes Viscera on the middle rope, and as the ref goes to admonish him, Momma nails him in the head with her purse. Shelton gets the leg whip kick and pins Viscera. (7:50) Seven minutes and fifty seconds too long. Momma is not fun at all. CRAP
Vince McMahon surprises Shawn Michaels in his dressing room to wish him good luck in the Elimination Chamber tonight. Vince says he’s going to need it because no one has ever started a Chamber match and won it. Shawn then reminds him of all the “first” things he’s accomplished. Vince laughs at him and says that if he wins the Chamber match tonight, it will be the first day that HELL has frozen over. But, good luck.
They show a REALLY cheesy WrestleMania promo. That was BIG TIME suck there, guys.
Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match
They start off with Maria vs. Candice Michelle. We see an actual wrestling move between these two in a hip toss from Maria. Candice comes back with kicks and then she yanks Maria’s top off! Maria then delivers a drop toe hold and she pulls off Candice’s top! WOOHOO PUPPIES! Candice tries a hangover choke, but Maria gets free and wisely pulls off Candice’s bottom for the win at 2:10. Torrie Wilson is up next and she comes and actually locks up with Maria. Torrie punishes Maria with some kicks and then hits a decent snap suplex! She goes for Maria’s pants, but Maria WISELY rolls through and goes for Torrie’s pants. Torrie breaks free and gets sort of monkey flipped. Maria misses a charge into the corner and takes a handspring elbow! Torrie goes for Maria’s pants again, but Maria kicks her off out onto the floor. Maria hits that sliding kick thru the ropes that the WOMEN’S CHAMP couldn’t connect with earlier! Back in, Torrie eats a boot out of the corner and off comes Torrie’s top! Torrie delivers a spear takedown and then they do the old steamroll over referee Jack Doan. He’s all smiling and crap and Torrie takes offense to that. While she yells at the ref, Maria comes over and shanks Torrie out of her pants to eliminate her at 5:04! She pulled off her shoe too! Here comes Victoria and she’s wailing away on Maria. Maria comes back from a fireman’s carry and slides down into a sunset flip to try and take off Victoria’s bottoms! Victoria stops that and hits a standing moonsault. Off with Maria’s pants, and she’s out of there at 6:17. Mae F’N Young is next alongside the Fabulous Moolah. Why don’t they die already? Mae can’t even get through the ring ropes without some major help from Jack Dunn. Mae willingly takes off her top and bottoms at 8:47. Instead of letting Mae and Moolah go back to the nursing home where they belong, Victoria nails Mae from behind. The old hags double-team Victoria and rip off her top. Mae almost takes her bra off completely. Ashley is out next and she rolls out of the WIDOW’S PEAK and takes off Victoria’s bottoms to win the match. (11:04) Like I’ve always said, if I want T&A, the WWE is not where I would go to see it. CRAP
We go to the back and see Shelton and his momma in the WWE.com’s Instant Access booth and he is all excited about his win over Viscera tonight. That is, until he finds out momma had a brick in her purse when she smashed Viscera in the head.
WWE Champion John Cena (w/boos) vs. Kane (w/WWE tag team belt and hell fire) vs. Chris Masters (w/HUGE muscles) vs. Carlito (w/apples) vs. Kurt Angle (w/Daivari) vs. Shawn Michaels (w/God) - Elimination Chamber Match
Cena starts off with Michaels. The “Cena sucks!” chants start up immediately. Michaels tries to go for Cena’s arm, but he elbows out every time. Cena comes back to boos and a backdrop until he gets dumped out onto the steel. They both block each other’s efforts to smash a face into the cage. Back in, Michaels delivers chops all over the ring on Cena. Shawn ducks low off a whip and takes a kick to the teeth, but he comes back with a pair of hard whips into the corner. Cena reverses a whip into the corner where Shawn ends up getting crotched on the top rope. It’s time for Carlito to come in and he goes right after Cena to a HUGE pop. Carlito connects with a nice dropkick to Cena. Shawn is lying out on the steel outside the ring and Carlito runs and goes all RVD on us by hitting a senton OVER the top rope onto Shawn! Even the announcers say that this a stupid move to do onto STEEL. Carlito comes back in and pulls off a flatliner on Cena for two. Carlito sees Shawn going up top and slams him down for a near-fall. Cena takes a back elbow and stays down. Shawn small packages Carlito for a two count. Cena comes back and with every punch on Carlito, the crowd boos louder and louder. There for a minute, it looked like Cena didn’t know what to do. Carlito fights back with chops on Cena and Michaels. Cena and Michaels team up for a second and double-flapjack Carlito down. Cena covers for two. They team up again and double-backdrop Carlito. Kurt Angle is in next and he has TWO GERMAN SUPLEXES for everyone! I LOVE IT! He then proceeds to BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX Michaels from inside the ring out! Carlito takes a release German suplex out to the steel as well, but it wasn’t as smooth looking. Now he’s all over Cena, beating him senseless. He goes out and catapults HBK INTO the steel mesh! Shawn is busted WIDE open! While Shawn is busy with that, Kurt goes in and stomps on Cena somewhere before going back out and slamming Shawn’s face into his own chamber! He goes back in after Cena, but he’s ready for Angle. Cena comes back with some punches to TONS of boos before taking an overhead belly-to-belly. HBK gets suplexed back in while Carlito rolls back in for more of a beatdown. Carlito counters the ANGLE SLAM, but can’t avoid the ANKLE LOCK! Carlito fights the hold until Chris Masters can get in and break the hold so that they can double-team everybody. Masters takes down Angle and then hits a powerslam on Cena. A press slam comes up next for Shawn Michaels. He goes for the MASTERLOCK on Angle, but he counters into an ANKLE LOCK! Cena breaks up the hold and tries an FU without any kind of prior attack. How stupid of him. Angle easily counters that into an ANKLE LOCK but the hold is cut short due to SWEET CHIN MUSIC from Michaels! Shawn covers him and Angle is eliminated at 13:59. Now that was a HUGE mistake on the booking staff. Carlito and Masters continue the hostile attack on the faces until the final entry, Kane, can come in to destroy everybody. He goes crazy on Carlito and Masters. Kane delivers a sideslam on Carlito and a clothesline for Masters. Carlito gets tossed out onto the steel, leaving Masters vs. Kane for the time being. Kane nails a powerslam and goes up top for a clothesline. Carlito tries to stall him and does so until Masters can get over and try a superplex on Kane. Kane blocks it and then hits the clothesline. Kane’s got chokeslams for both Cena and Michaels. He tries one on Carlito, but Masters comes up behind him and locks on the MASTERLOCK. Masters couldn’t inter-lock his fingers, so Kane quickly elbows out. Carlito comes from behind with a surprise Backcracker. As Masters and Carlito go for a high-five, Kane sit-ups and fights back. Kane tries a TOMBSTONE on Carlito, but Masters stops that from happening. Double-team DDT from the heels and then Masters press-slams Carlito onto Kane. They dog pile Kane for the pinfall at 19:27. Carlito and Masters go back to pounding on Michaels and Cena until Michaels comes back with a running forearm for Carlito. The kip-up is inevitable and so is the inverted atomic drop for Masters, and then one for Carlito. The heels both get clotheslined out to the steel. Cena wanders back into the ring and gets set up for the top-rope elbow drop from HBK. He delivers it perfectly but is too exhausted to capitalize. Shawn FINALLY gets up and connects with SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Carlito and Masters come back in and double-team Michaels. Michaels fights them off for about ten seconds before falling victim to the reverse corkscrew neckbreaker from Carlito to eliminate HBK at 23:37. Masters seizes the opportunity and covers Cena for a near-fall. Cena gets punished but comes back soon enough to piss off the crowd even more than they already are. Five-knuckle shuffle for Carlito and the crowd hates it! The FU on Carlito is blocked by a kick from Masters. Cena gets dumped out onto the steel, where he takes a DDT! Cena is now busted open, boosting up the blood count to two. Carlito comes out and they smash Cena’s face into the steel together! Back in, they continue the double-team beatdown until Carlito convinces Masters to finish him off with the MASTERLOCK. He locks it on Cena, but Carlito turns on Masters by hitting a low-blow and a roll-up to eliminate him at 28:17. Cena then sneaks up behind Carlito with a roll-up for the three-count to retain the title! (28:24) Horrible booking for an exciting ten minutes or so of a thirty-minute match. ** ¾
BUT WAIT! This night is not over yet! Vince comes out and tells us that Edge has cashed in his “Money in the Bank” title shot! Now it all makes sense!
WWE Champion John Cena (w/a bloody face) vs. Edge (w/Lita)
Edge pounds on Cena’s open wounds and then gets a near-fall. He sets up for the spear in the corner and he gets it! Edge covers but only gets another near-fall, even though the ref’s hand hit the mat thrice. Edge can’t believe it, so he delivers another spear for the win and his FIRST WWE Championship! (1:47) No rating. I don’t mean to rain on Edge’s parade, but is this really who you wanted to dethrone Cena? I mean, I can’t help but feel that the reaction was more of an anti-Cena thing, than a pro-Edge thing. You know what I mean?
Final Thoughts: I’ll be honest with you, this show was not good. It was only somewhat entertaining, and it didn’t leave me satisfied. I don’t think a surprise quite like that was a good move this close to WrestleMania. I guess they really had no choice in order to justify the “Money in the Bank” considering Edge’s injuries and the Matt Hardy fiasco, but seriously. Edge? WWE Champ? Here’s to hoping this makes more sense in long-term booking because no one is ready for Edge to be the champ. Thumbs down for New Year’s Revolution 2006.