April 4, 2012
Brian Hammons
Never Hand Over

WCW Thunder 12/16/99

1. Buff Bagwell vs. Vampiro - 1
2. TAFKA Prince Iaukea vs. WCW Cruiserweight Champion Evan Karagias - 1
3. Jim Duggan & Midnight vs. Perry Saturn & Asya - 2

Oh, snap, Juventud Guerrera's on commentary -- an unexpected surprise as I was a big fan of his ridiculous shtick back then. DDP is attacked by Sting backstage. Next segment sees Page walking around calling stagehands "monkey boy" and searching for Sting. Vampiro, why would you sneak up behind your opponent and put him in a side headlock? Moron. Why not club him from behind or attack a leg? Nope, I'll loosely grab you by your head so you can shoot me off into the ropes and we can start our cooperative dance. Bagwell sells on the mat like his reaction at the dining table when his mom Judy puts too much salt in the stew. What the fuck is happening? Oklahoma comes out, which leads Vampiro to approach him, he's interrupted by Steve Williams, who in turn is grabbed my Misfits' vocalist Jerry Only? This is outrageous. You can't review WCW Thunder like a normal show -- there's just so much nonsense happening constantly it's impossible to not discuss it. Post-match Dr. Death gives Vampiro the ugliest Doctor Bomb I've ever seen on the floor then they douse him in BBQ sauce.

Evan busts out a Thesz Press although to be sure he's never heard of the move's namesake. Madusa, Paisley, and a Nitro Girl Spice are all in the ring within two minutes. Has there eve been a more overbooked wrestling program? DDP finally catches up to Sting in a stairwell that there just happened to be a camera in. A second Sting gets in a cheapshot and runs off and DDP screams "Luger!" after him. If Saturn and Asya were the "Revolution" of wrestling the industry was in bad shape. Shane Douglas grabs a microphone and I hit fast-forward instantly. Duggan comes out looking like an elementary school janitor. Saturn hopping around selling his shoulder was so hammy. He needed to dial it down a little bit. I forgot how repulsive Asya was. She looked like an '80's action figure: all muscle and no articulation. I forgot Midnight existed. Turns out she can throw a better punch than Duggan. Harlem Heat come down to ringside. Every match so far has had some sort of interference or distraction. Midnight gets her butt kicked and Stevie shows her tough love by tossing her ass back in the ring. Douglas run-in backfires and Duggan still had to use a 2x4 to beat Saturn? We're 0-3 on clean finishes tonight. I'm guessing now we'll get maybe one at best.

Wait, did Aaron Neville just clean the ring in a tye-dye t-shirt? And backstage David Flair is doing an interview caressing a giant decapitated teddy bear -- of course he is.

4. WCW Hardcore Champion Norman Smiley vs. David Flair - 0
5. Sting vs. Lex Luger - 1
6. Steve Williams vs. The Wall - 2

David had no right to be in a ring -- he had the timing and athleticism of a blind paraplegic. Meng interferes with a boss afro. The match is rendered a no contest as Smiley bails to the back. For once I'm happy with a non-finish as that was the drizzling shits. Sting's in the ring cutting a promo I fast-forward over, the lights go out, then Luger's in the ring rocking a trench coat and face paint, but even in the new duds I'd recognize those shoddy back bumps anywhere. Lex had the body of a Greek god but all the grace of a sloppy Greek gyro. Wait, there's Liz, let's chalk it up as 5 for 5 for matches with interference, and 5 for 5 for matches with fuck finishes. We're really on a roll tonight, baby! I'll give that one pity point just for Luger looking like even more of an idiot than normal. Next up: two dead guys. Wait, Williams is alive, and, apparently works at an airport in Colorado? Ever heard the expression don't quit your day job? That doesn't apply in this case. Cut to the crowd where Chavo Guerrero is bothering fans. Berlyn interference leads to, you guessed it, our third no contest in a row, and our sixth match with both interference and a lousy non-clean finish. I could be possibly watching the laziest, most insulting, worst booked wrestling program in history.

7. Curt Hennig vs. Dustin Rhodes - 1
8. Sid Vicious & Chris Benoit vs. Curt Hennig, La Parka, Shane, & Creative Control - Handicap Match - 1

So the next match starts with interference as "Shane" (Virgil) gets his balls squished. We get about a min. of nice action when all of the sudden, I shit you not, a levitating idiot in a "duster" (as Scott Hudson called it) and top hat flies to ringside, only to smash Rhodes' head with a guitar and reveal himself to be Jarrett in Uncle Fester make-up. That's seven matches in a row with outlandish fuck finishes.

Sid and Benoit beat the hell out of their five opponents. Hudson refers to Scott Hall as the "King of the Ladder Match". Funny, I've only ever seen him in two, both mediocre. The referee seemingly randomly calls for the bell. Not sure why. The whole match was chaos. That's 8 in a row if you're counting at home.

9. Kanyon vs. Diamond Dallas Page - 3
10. WCW Tag Team Champion Kevin Nash vs. WCW World Champion Bret Hart & Bill Goldberg - Handicap House of Pain Match - 0

Hudson gives up his spot at the commentary table to... Clarence Mason? "Champagne" Kanyon's bumping big. I'm actually digging the work here. Too bad both Mason and David Flair interfered. So far, 9 matches down, all with crummy interference and insulting finishes. Will the main event break the streak?

House of Pain is a cage -- who knew? My DVD reads there's less than 4 min. left and the entrances aren't even over. Not a good sign. Or is it? Oh no. As Goldberg's backstage making his long, lumbering walk we cut to ringside where Creative Control and Jarrett are mugging guest ref Piper as Nash sneaks into the ring to blindside Bret. Bill rips the door of the cage and nearly goes down with it. Seconds upon entering the cage the "good guy" Piper starts mauling Nash with a lead pipe. Jarrett comes in, there's a guitar, handcuffs, more pipe fun, etc. I'm literally dizzy trying to comprehend this ending and show in general. 10 matches. All 10 had interference. All 10 had fuck finishes. If you ever need a reminder on why WCW went out of business pop this fucker in.

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